Dericka Canada Cunningham, GBW Founder
February 27, 2023
This Week's Anchor
“Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,”
says the Lord, who has compassion on you.
Isaiah 54: 4;10 (NIV)
Over the years, I’ve had countless conversations about shame among family, friends, clients, and especially fellow Christ-followers. Many of us were raised in shame within our families and church communities—shame passed down through generations, much of which not even our own to bear. Shame that whipped us into shape and scared us into submission. Shame that told loud stories about who we were and influenced how we viewed ourselves. Shame that kept us quiet and left slow-to-heal scars that we carry with us ‘till this day. In short, it’s a shame how we’ve been shamed. Especially considering that the God I know has so much compassion to offer.
Some of us have not only navigated shame throughout our lives, but we up’d the ante and turned it inwards, making shame our go-to response to hardship, failures, and self-disappointment. A well-known researcher in the mental health field distinguishes shame from guilt and defines it as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection” (Dr. Brené Brown, 1). Have you been in this space before? A space where certain life decisions or maybe even a situation beyond your control left you feeling unworthy of love, even God’s love. You see, we live in a world that’s conditioned us to believe that shame is necessary to change behavior, but I can assure you that it’s not. Shame hurts, isolates, and silences. And it’s actually counterproductive and counter-conducive to growth and change. In fact, there are alternative ways for us to sharpen others and ourselves that are more helpful and effective.
When we think about the most inspiring people in our lives, the family members, friends, teachers, coaches, mentors, and/or pastors, who shifted our perspective and really helped us grow, we usually think of people who, as illustrated by God in the book of Isaiah, did the delicate dance of challenging and loving. Their love and compassion for us made us feel worthy enough to make the changes they believed we could. And we often left their presence feeling empowered. That’s how I feel leaving God’s presence. I read our anchor scripture, and I feel empowered. These scriptures, and really this entire chapter, remind us of G0d’s powerful redemption and restoration. We need not be shaken by condemnation or ravished with shame, for God’s peace and compassion will cover us, and this covering means everything in a world that often leaves us feeling like nothing. Oh, how I want to encourage us in this. When God said nothing can separate us from His love, He meant it. Despite shame’s attempt to disconnect us from God’s love, His love will not be shaken! His love reaches the highest mountains, and it flows to the lowest valley. Nothing we can ever do, or experience, can take us beyond that reach. When we feel like we have drifted away from God’s love full of shame, there are some things we can do to help us navigate these feelings and reconnect with God’s grace.
Ways to Navigate Shame & Connect with God’s Grace
Name & Notice Our Shame
Naming, understanding, and talking about our shame help us navigate it. Increasing our awareness around shame involves us: (a) Recognizing shame (i.e., noticing when it happens, naming emotions/behaviors associated with it), (b) understanding its triggers (i.e., what people, places, experiences, or words initiate our shame responses), (c) understanding where our shame comes from (i.e., our histories and lived experiences that have informed our shame responses; where we learned shame and whom we learned shame from), and (d) how it works and operates in our lives (i.e., the impact it has on us, how it influences our behaviors and relationships). [2]
Honor our Sacred Relationship with the Holy Trinity
When we notice shame impacting our lives, we can connect with God’s Word and promises of redemption, restoration, and unconditional love. And when shame is transmitted from others, we can remember that, in the words of auntie Tabitha Brown, our relationship with God “is yo’ business”, that is, it’s between us and God. Sure, we can gain encouragement and be challenged to grow within the community of others, but at the end of the day, and at the end of our earthly lives, it’s us and God, the Holy Trinity. No one else lies with you in your bed at night as you wander through your thoughts and worries. No one else sees and understands your dreams and nightmares. No one else sits with you in your deepest and intimate prayers and moments with God. That’s because our relationship with the Holy Trinity is sacred, and each of ours is unique. The Holy Trinity might provide us with discernment regarding a snapshot of someone else’s life, struggles, and/or needs, but even the most discerning followers never know the whole picture and have a limited view of who anyone truly and wholly is because again, that’s our business and it’s between us and God. God is the only one who knows and sees all because…that’s God’s business!
Develop Tools of Self-Compassion
Self-compassion in some ways is an antidote to shame. Shame limits our view of ourselves, while compassion broadens it. As our anchor scripture reminds us (along with many scriptures in the Bible), our God is a deeply compassionate God. When we are held down by shame, it is difficult to let God’s love and compassion in. Self-compassion is like lighting God’s compassion toward us on fire and letting it consistently burn within us. One way to build a foundation of self-compassion is to contextualize our experiences. A psychologist and minister by the name of Dr. Thema Bryant provides a great framework for contextualizing our shamed experiences in her book Homecoming. She encourages, “instead of defining yourself by the times when you fell short, you can recognize the ways in which you have grown since then. As you look back at those past seasons, reflect on” (Dr. Thema Bryant, Homecoming, p.110) [3]:
What you were feeling
What you were thinking
Why you made the choice(s) you made
What prior experiences shaped how you responded
What insecurities or self-doubts influenced your thinking
How you saw yourself during that time
Who or what made you feel something was acceptable that you now believe is unacceptable
What you got right or appreciated about your former self
What, if anything in that situation was a win, breakthrough, or awakening
Speaking & Reaching Out
Talking about shame helps break the stronghold of its isolating silence. We can connect with others and find sacred spaces to share our vulnerabilities—spaces, and relationships where we can be honest about our shamed experiences and explore and process their impact. Additionally, thinking back to those folks (family members, friends, teachers, coaches, mentors, and/or pastors) who have inspired us toward growth, we can intentionally internalize (take in, embrace, and embody) the voices of empowerment and externalize (release) the voices of shame.
As we enter another week, let us consistently remember God’s covenant for us and release the holds that shame has on us. May we stand firm in knowing that we, imperfections, and all, are made in God’s perfect image. May we be encouraged that we are worthy of God’s unshakable love. And may we treat ourselves the way God treats us and the way we truly want to be treated—with patience, grace, and compassion.
Reflection
What is resonating for you about this scripture and/or this devotion?
What do you need from the Holy Trinity to help you navigate shame and connect with self-compassion?
What intention(s) do you want to set to connect and/or reconnect with being grounded this week?
Related Scriptures to Ground You Through this Week
Psalm 34:4-5
Isaiah 50:7; 54:4; 61:7
Micah 7:19-20
Zephaniah 3:19-20
Romans 8:1
2 Corinthians 5:17-21
Hebrews 12:1-3
My Through-the-Week Reflection Guide
A Song of Inspiration
Quote of Love & Liberation
“Don't let anyone shame you into becoming hopeless. It's ok to be hopeful. Hope doesn't deny reality. You're simply allowing space for your optimism to become the reality.”
Bethanee Epifani J. Bryant
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